1st Beta

Got my bloodtest results and I’m officially pregnant! They came in at a 65 and they said it is well within normal range. I go back for a second test on Monday to make sure it rises about 60%. This is starting to feel real and boy are my emotions all over the place. From elation to ” what the fuck did I do?”  I finally caved and took another test this morning and the line was much darker. Grow embryo grow!


I’m still on my regular meds and I have to say the vaginal suppositories continue to suck. I would happily double up the lovenox injections if I never had to put another waxy thing in my vag.. Here is a fun picture of the Lovenox aftermath. ( but it’s all worth it!)

So this happened…

Two days ago, (5 days post transfer) I went to a baseball game with my coworkers.  It was super fun but I was feeling a bit off and achy and was having a pinching feeling on the left side of my uterus.  When I got home, I was reading an online forum and saw that someone had received a positive result 6 days post transfer.  I decided “fuck it..i’ll test now and it will probably be negative.”  But it wasn’t…

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I seriously didn’t believe myself so I went to my friend’s apartment (she lives across the hall) and asked her to look at it and she was like “yes, that is a line!”  It was totally surreal and I texted a few people.  I barely slept that night and took another one in the morning. Still a line.  Yesterday at work was I was busy but in a haze.  I scheduled my “beta” blood tests for Saturday and Monday.

I’ve decided I’m not taking any more urine tests because it’s making me a little crazy. I took a third this morning that was a different version of the brand that I took for the first two and it was slightly lighter than the other two lines (but positive). Then I took a less sensitive test my friend gave me and it was negative so I convinced myself for a while that this was terrible news-although I know rationally that results vary by test. And I’m only at 7 days post transfer. It’s like my brain just wants to find something to worry about. So it’s cautious happiness and waiting to pass the next hurdle.  Keep your fingers and toes crossed for me!

My little embryo is in there!

I’m super happy to report that the FET went perfectly yesterday.  My biggest worry was that the embryo wouldn’t survive the thaw but she did great.  She continued to grow after thawing and even started hatching.  The doctor explained that the circle of cells on the bottom left is the baby and that the top right part is the placenta.  Here it is:

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I was able to watch the whole process on the ultrasound and the doctors and nurses explained everything which made it much less scary.  Basically, they use a speculum to put a catheter into your uterus.  They use the  sonogram to make sure to put it right on your uterine lining.  Once they have the catheter in place another screen lights up and they show you your embryo in the lab (with your name on it) and you watch it get sucked into another smaller catheter.  Then they bring it into the room and guide it in.  It causes a small air bubble so you can see exactly where it lands.  Then the embryologist goes back into the lab to look at the catheter to make sure the embryo definitely got released.  It’s all pretty amazing.  Here is a picture of my little embryo nestled inside my uterus.  I hope she gets cozy and decides to stay.

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They explained that when the embryo implants, the lining folds up putting it into what looks like a sandwich.  They said it would likely happen that night.  I’ve been meditating on implantation and trying to keep positive.  I know that I have about a 70% chance of this working because this is a PGS tested embryo but it’s hard to not have doubts.  But I’m “Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise” so I’m trying really hard to go with that.

Here are a few more pictures including one of me and my friend who came with me.  Of course they assumed we were partners-a very common occurence.  🙂

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Nerves

I felt like I was doing super good about managing my nerves and anxiety as this FET approaches.  Sadly my state of zen seems to have gone out the window.  I had a stress dream a few nights ago where I “delivered” my friend’s baby from a hole under her coffee table.  When I pulled the baby out he looked about 6 months old and they told me to “put him back” for a while.  Later they picked him up and started gushing over his adorableness and I was left lonely on the floor.  So yeah…this dream was definitely very, very loaded with feelings.

The subject of the dream is someone I’ve written about before ( Stupid Feelings ). She randomly got pregnant while taking birth control and has absolutely HATED the experience of pregnancy.  This is absolutely her experience and I totally respect her feelings.  Also, she awesomely initiated a conversation about how much I want to hear about it, etc.  So though no fault of her own she has entered into my emotional mind field.

That said, it’s hard to hear how much she is hating being pregnant sometimes-especially when I am so afraid I’ll never get to experience it for myself.  Although I really shouldn’t be, I’m surprised at how much more raw these feelings are now that the transfer is tomorrow.  There is just so much emotional, physical and (money!) riding on this one thing!  This is my only “good” embryo.  Thinking about my other embryo and other options is also doing nothing for me right now. Other things that are not helping me relax include googling embryo thawing issues, having a horrible nights sleep and stress eating non-paleo sugary things.  I’m so glad the transfer starts with a valium…

 

 

 

Science 

Hello from my Sunday doctor’s appointment. It’s strange going to a non- HMO clinic where they pamper you with snacks and warm blankets. And they are open 365 days a year so I can come in on the weekend.  Such a difference from the cattle call I’m used to.

 

I’m having an intralipid infusion which is really an IV of healthy egg and soy fats. Supposedly this will help to stop my body from attacking the embryo. Science is so weird.